Junior Burgers; How to Raise Them (not too High)

Following the success of the “Root A Windsurfer Today” campaign there has been a chorus of demand for this sequel, the aim of which is to set the newly encumbered upon the direct route to parental success. It is assumed that you, gentle reader, have grasped all the concepts described in “Root A Windsurfer Today” (If not go to http://www.storm-riders.com.au/info/windsurfing-articles/) and are well down the road to, or have already accomplished, eligibility to pay Child Support in the event of matrimonial misadventure (or for those merely shacked up, Tart Trouble). Further, I shall assume you are a bloke ( a separate edition for tart sailors is at the planning stage) but if I am wrong, or if you are not certain, go no further. Read On –>

Dictionary

Here are some technical terms and their meanings, just in case you are simple, or Uncle Mike.

Tart; I don’t know if you are married, shacked up or casual acquaintances so this word covers all the little women/ new mums, whether or not the benefit of clergy was obtained. Don’t be worried about offending her by calling her a tart. Scientific research has shown all women love to be called a tart, the older & less tartish they are the more they love it. If your tart gets offended at being called a tart this is usually because she actually falls within the technical meaning of the term and is what most consider to be “hot stuff”ie, to be enjoyed while the going is good & then get going.

Gentle Chastisement (GC); this is usually a gentle slap accompanied by a stern word of warning, sometimes a belt or feather duster may be useful and on rare, but joyous occaisions, is best described as “BEAT THEM TILL THE RED BROTH RUNS”.

NN; Nick Nelson, referred to by his friends as “Godfather” . If few of you know him by that name, is it my fault he has few friends? NN is an international windsurfing and child rearing oracle. Why is this so? Because he has the best trained dogs in the world. These canines are so beaten down they are scared even to walk on the carpet, yet they worship NN & wag tails whenever he appears. NN is an inspiration to those following the Dog Manual technique. Just look at what he has achieved with Uncle Mike, a miracle given the material he had to work with.

JB; Junior Burger, kid, little bugger or whatever term of endearment you normally apply to the fruit of your loins.

In The Beginning

No, I don’t refer to the putting of the bun in the oven but to the removing of it, also known as Child Birth.

1. This is a moment you do not wish to share, use any excuse to be absent, but if you cannot escape I suggest;
2. Reject any suggestion of birth taking place outside a hospital. You may need urgent attention in the event of fainting, spewing or headache caused by strong lights.
3. Look only at your Wife’s face or out the window or at the nurses if they are cute. Any glance down south will be dangerous, possibly causing loss of breakfast or consciousness.
4. Do not permit a camera in the room, your Wife will not wish to see what she looked like at this time.
5. If forced to have a camera, aim at yourself or the cute nurses. Photographic evidence of the birth process can and will be used against you.
6. Remember when your Wife shouts out “EPIDURAL NOW” be strong, you can make it through without anaesthetic. Politely tell the quack “no thanks, its not natural”.
7. There is a thing called Paternity Leave. It is evil. Do not take it. If necessary, inform your boss of the case of Julie, Jilly, Tracy & ors v Murray 115CLR 236 where the High Court delivered a unanimous judgment to the effect that paternity cannot be proven until DNA tests carried out after the moment of birth so that by the time you get the test results to establish eligibility for Paternity Leave and apply for it you will no longer be eligible.
8. If forced to take Paternity Leave (your boss is a tart) you may be compelled to join in the classes they give to new Mums on stuff like, changing nappies & feeding. Avoid at all cost. You can work out all you need to know about breast feeding when you get home & the baby is safely tucked away in bed but the nappy changing could lead to you being requested to actually change one, possibly involving poo.
9. If wind forecast is especially good, disregard previous 2 points about Paternity Leave but do not inform your Wife.
10. If you are so hopeless you failed all the above (this means you Ant) and are compelled to change a nappy, do the honourable thing in the time honoured tradition, in the interests of the brat, yourself and posterity. That is of course, stick the brat with the safety needle each time until you are regarded as incompetent and dismissed from nappy duty.

11. Training the Newborn

12. The basic principle is to remember a small person is likely dumber than a puppy, or at least on a par. A puppy can walk, feed itself, poo without assistance and develops into an adult in a fraction of the time the new brat will require. So do the following;
13. Buy a puppy.
14. Buy a dog training manual.
15. Take the wife to dog training classes. The essence of dog training is to train the owner, the dog is the easy part, so see if the little woman can pick up the essentials of how to make a puppy do what you want. If she can train a dog, a brat will be easy.
16. Sell the dog, after the lessons it is no longer required and you already have a new brat competing for attention, a dog is too much competition and the money can be handy for new gear.

17. You should now be in possession of the tools for successful parenthood. Hopefully the Wife learned about dog training and you read the manual, it was not intended as a paperweight.
18. Theory

19. Kiddies like dogs want to feel safe, be loved and fed regularly. I will take it as given you can manage the last two. Feeling safe means knowing where they stand in the world, protected from the nasty stuff they instinctually fear. A bath is a structurally strong enclosure, ideal for keeping a tiny JB in & encouraging a secure atmosphere and you can forget about nappies & all that crap as a quick hose down is just a fawcett away.
20. JB will feel secure if it has a consistent framework to its life. It is not smart at first, it doesn’t understand the words you speak, though the tone may be significant. You must give it simple messages it can absorb, just like the pup. Positive messages work best so a reward is good if it does something you want, maybe a hug or a lump of sugar would do. Negative messages are needed where it does something bad, like crawling to your stereo & attempting to turn down the volume whilst spilling orange juice on its electric bits. A bit of GC is necessary to let it know it is bad and the word “NO” ought be shouted so it associates the word with the punishment. If the word is shouted whenever it is punished the kid will associate the word with the GC & you will rarely have to use any more GC, just the word “NO” will do the trick . Unfortunately, successful use of these techniques will mean very few oportunities to administer GC unless the kid is exceptionally thick.
21. Be consistent. Reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour. If unsure how to deal with any particular situation, refer to Dog Manual. You won’t need to be told unless you are Uncle Mike but I will mention it for the slow witted, the Dog Manual may also be used on tarts. This is covered by the advanced course, enquiries to Tibor.
22. Remember that happy parents will make happy brats. So treat the happiness of you and your tart as essential to it’s well being. If you have been reduced to nervous, worn out wrecks by an horrible, demanding, uncontrollable little demon, how can you do a good job on the brat. It’s good behaviour is essential to your sanity. Your sanity is in its interests.

23. When to Teach JB Sail.

24. This is crucial of course. If you try to teach it too early it may be put off, there is always a chance the brat will be so useless it hates sailing, so;
25. Buy it a heap of gear before its first attempt. This will be small sails & boards as the kid is small, maybe 7 or 8, but happily, this is exactly what you need for high wind work. So spend up big at the start, just in case it doesn’t take to sailing, someone will have to use all that gear!
26. Remember that gear handling is the first lesson and it can take quite some years to get perfect. So let the brat carry your sails and boards at every opportunity. The Little Woman will thank you for this, one less job for her.
27. When JB finally gets on the water, praise his accomplishments and give positive reinforcement; he will very soon be better than you so you need him to think well enough of you that he gives you some tips.
28. Persuade your tart of the benefits of a sailing career for JB. Mention the fabulous wealth & fame of successful pro windsurfers. You may need to invent these names but it is important to do so as you will find they all live on Maui and she will see the sense of taking JB there every winter to improve his skills and do some networking.
29. Take the tart along on the first Maui trip. She is unlikely to ever want to go more than once if you introduce her to a few of these famous sailors, so it will be cheaper in the long run & you can reverse the guilt by accusing her of not wanting to go & support JB’s career.

30. Further Education

31. JB will no doubt be an ambitious little bugger. Encourage him to do his best in the schooling line & to get himself trained up to have the best career possible. Some points to remember;
32. You don’t really want JB to be a pro sailor or even in the windsurfing industry. No one in the history of the world has made money out of windsurfing, except Sam P & he is not giving away the secret any time soon.
33. It is not good for a brat to be smarter than his dad so don’t let him get any better qualified than you. If you are still reading your brain power is probably not in the world beating category and achieving this goal, even if JB is semi brain dead, may be a big ask so please refer to “Not too high” below.
34. At the same time the brat must be earning good money so that he buys his own gear, NEIL PRYDE SAILS of course, and does not need to borrow your gear. Full time work as soon as possible is the answer and if he wants to go to Uni, part time will have to do. The part time job can most usefully be at your friendly local windsurfing shop for obvious reasons.
35. At what point ought you kick JB out of Home so that you and the tart can enjoy some quality time free of the inhibitions that JBs tend to arouse in tarts. Obvious isn’t it; when he turns 18. Be considerate though, if he can’t afford a flat with a good garage, offer to store his gear for him.
36. Whenever you think you know how JB should live his life, you probably don’t. Let JB make his own mistakes & learn from them. His first mistake will be to believe you will let him use your gear. Make sure he learns from that.

37. Teen Years

38. You’ve dragged him through to puberty, how do you handle his first attempts at tart action?
39. Pretend you don’t know he has a tart. This can go on for years & avoids the unpleasantness of meeting her or her family.
40. If you have to meet her, be sure to leer at her in a pervy, sleazy sort of way & look down the front of her dress. I know you will do this without me telling you, I just threw it in so you will have someone to blame when your tart gives you hell.
41. JB brings Home a tart so gross you don’t know what to do. Simple, lock the garage if his gear is still in it & throw him out saying “Damn You To Hell JB, get out & don’t come back”.
42. JB announces he is gay. Just laugh & remember it is all part of a young man’s search for his real identity, it can’t actually be true.
43. JB announces he is taking up kiting. Refer to 42, or if necessary, 41.
44. JB goes overseas. Don’t panic, he must spread his wings & experience the panorama of life for himself. Make sure he leaves his gear at your house. Promise to sell it for him if you have to but you know hard that stuff is to move.

45. Not Too High

46. JB is looking a bit too smart for you to easily make him feel inferior? A problem for sure but there are ways and means to ensure JB grows into a well adjusted, useful, fully rigged member of the windsurfing fraternity without actually realising he is smarter than you. Why do I say “smarter than you”; you are still reading so figure the odds.
47. Give him a hammer when young. He will have hours of fun destroying stuff and develop a wish to be a chippie, plumber or electrician. All these trades guarantee he will leave school early, too soon to acquire much knowledge and even you will resemble einstein.
48. Let him play with the hammer around your old, clapped out boards, the damage he inflicts will entitle you to buy new ones from ECB WIND SURF’N SNOW, even your tart will agree.
49. Help him with his homework at every chance. Do I need to say more?
50. Start up an account book recording every cent he costs you and threaten repeatedly to bill him for the total when he graduates from school. An oldie but a goodie. You won’t win the court case but the threat will help him see the benefits of becoming independent without delay.
51. Give him the benefit of your vast experience. His head will be so full of crap he will have trouble tying shoelaces.
52. If all the above fails and JB looks like being a wizz at the academic stuff so that Uni is unavoidable, don’t panic, Uncle Bruce will set you straight. The answer is to refer to the oracle, adopt a zen like state of mind & channel the essence of NN. Obvious when you think on it. Encourage young JB in his rebellious desire to be a studious type, never let him know your true intent but, at the last minute, when the decision is to be made as to what he will do at Uni, sign him up for Engineering at Wollongong Uni. JB will think he is headed for glory, particularly as you mentioned the ready availability of lubricious young tarts dying for the chance to yield up their virtue (or what is left of it, it is Wollongong after all) to good looking young blokes who can give new meaning to the term “lay down gybe”. Once at the Gong, JB of course, like all his fellow students, will spend his time exploring the glories of beer, in all its brands, flavours & sizes. When not drinking beer he will play pool or chase tarts & emerge after 3 years of academic bliss as a fully qualified engineer with a nice looking degree & a head as empty as his stomach is full. You will still seem smart.

53. JB gets Married

54. Seriously, you can work this out for yourself. Do I have to tell you everything. I will say only one word; Elopement.

55. Grandchildren

56. Well, most of us are Masters or worse. If you have managed to breed, JB will eventually work out how to do it too. This is how to cope.

57. Under no circumstances allow JB to live within 3 suburbs of you. Take out restraining orders if necessary. The presence of a small grandchild within easy reach will turn your tart’s brain to jelly & condemn you to eternal child minding accompanied by endless tartish prattle about teething & cradle cap.

58. Give JB his own copy of this article & a dog training manual. You probably piked on the birds & bees but this time you have to be there for him.

59. If you failed with 57 there is only one answer. Yes, that’s it, the Grey Army. You like thousands of others will be forced to leave your home & wander aimlessly around the caravan parks of Australia. You won’t need me to point out how many of these are on the waterfront, think of Huskisson with stereo caravan parks on our favorite beach. The tart will by this time, no longer whinge when you go sailing, she’s had you up to her eyeballs & will welcome any chance to see you on the water, within reach of sharks.

60. Dealing with Divorce

61. This is unfortunately quite common, even for windsurfers (don’t ask me, who can understand a tart?) and emotionally disturbing. It must be dealt with in a sensitive, compassionate way. Should you be so unlucky as to end up wandering in the morass of family law, unsure where to look for help and feeling as low as low can go, give your tart my business card will you.

The End

That’s it, you can work out the rest for yourselves. Hopefully this small article will inspire more of you to embark upon the voyage of paternity and bring you safely into the harbour of a 4 car garage, full of the latest sailing gear, a quiver of VMG BLADES and a troop of happy JBs, anxious to devote their time and money to keeping you on the water forever. I won’t mention the names of those sailors who have so far fallen down on their reproductive obligations but you know who you are, you have no excuses left, get on with it, we need more sailors.

Uncle Bruce is sponsored by VMG BLADES, NEIL PRYDE SAILS and ECB Wind Surf’n Snow or at least he ought be after all the product placements I just inserted.