http://www.canberrawindsurfers.webs.com/youngguns.htm

NSW Formula Windsurfing States 2010
Ramsgate Beach, Botany Bay, Sydney
12-13 Dec.2009

After a nervous wait wondering if the predicted NE sea breeze would ever eventuate, we were rewarded with the one of the fastest developing sea breeze I can remember.
The standard rigging frenzy commenced, with some delusional sailors totally misreading the strength i.e. rigging 12meter sails, we were on the water for the 1st race in what was going to be challenging days sailing. Brian Lancy (Water RO) set a simple double windward leeward course with a finishing mark just of the beach. This allowied for great views for the peanut gallery but also a fantastic opportunity for the racers to finish and get some rest or change rigs in between races.

Race 1. Sean O’Brien AUS-120, Sam Parker AUS-3 and Brett Morris AUS-8 battled the whole race only meters apart with Sam (who was christening a Starboard LWR) taking the first victory after Sean had to double tack the top mark. John Bear AUS-135 drew first blood in the FE+, and Allison Shreeve AUS-911 was 1st woman and 5th home in the open (very impressive).

Race 2. With the wind now up around 20-22knot, there were plenty of sail changes and chicken straps miraculously appearing. Sean made no mistakes this time to take victory from Sam, with Mike Nelson AUS-12 just behind. Chris Ting AUS-5 had some serious pace in 4th, (could be something to do with his new *board HWR and Secret VMG Blade?) Barry Fawkes AUS-2111 won the FE+.
A break for lunch was called so that the a few rescues could be made, including a futile attempt to recover Sean Dayhew’s new 10.7m sail, which is now a permanent feature of the bottom of Botany Bay.

Race 3. The wind was now reading 28knots with a nasty short steep chop, probably something to do with wind against the tide? Sean was now firmly in control, but some of the others were starting to get to grips with the conditions ie Remi Dunoyer FRA-73 on a new Exocet Warp, and Steve Walsh AUS-55 in 5th and 6th respectively. Tim Ford AUS-71 won his first ever race in the FE+ making it 3 different winners in 3 races.

Race 4. We started in full on conditions, but ironically it turned out to be the lightest race of the day, with the wind moderating to what now seemed like a gentle breeze of 18-20knots. Brett and Sean adjusted to the lighter environment the quickest opening up a huge lead at the 1st mark, with Sean showing some great speed and skill to overtake Brett at the top mark and claim another victory.
Racing called for the day, which I think was a blessing for most, as the energy levels and muscle fatigue was starting to become a factor.

Sunday

The forecast of a 10-15knot SE wind was already achieved at 10am, so the general feeling was that we were in for another days of building breezes.
After getting on the water it became evident that although the wind was very consistent, it was osculating and appeared to be bending with the channel on the right hand side of the course.

Brian (RO) set a similar course except you were required to gibe around the finish mark. Again he managed to set a perfect course so the final short reach was not too tight and still allow us to finish 20m of the beach so we could get the maximum amount rest and change sail time if required. Target time was 14-15 mins for the winners.

Unfortunately for Brett, race 5 was a general recall, but not before the fleet had finished the 1st lap…Unlucky.

Race 5 proper got away with Sean and Sam continuing on from where they left off. The real point of interest was Mitch Stepensen AUS-195 (Youth) have this best race every, coming home in 6th, just behind Steve Walsh in 5th.

Race 6 Sam, Brett and Steve Floyd AUS-222 got the 3 best starts on Port, hit the starboard lay line and were rewarded with big leads over the rest of the fleet, and that is how they finished, with Murray Towndrow AUS-720 and Rick Murray AUS-4 sailing really well to lead the rest of the fleet home. Jessica Crisp AUS-15 finally broke Allison winning streak with an 8th place in the open.

Race 7 This race will be remembered for Byron McIlveen AUS-747 nailing 3rd place from the every improving Murray. In the FE+, Barry was starting to really get into the swing of winning races 4,5 and 6, but John Bear finally broke this run winning #7.

Race 8 After 2 days of solid racing and all of the positions established this race was almost not necessary, but it was raced and dominated by the by all the usual suspects.

The maximum of 8 races in perfect medium to high wind conditions combined with warm air and water has made the 2010 FW States one to be remembered.
Results:

Open: Sean O’Brien AUS-120 dominated the event and completely deserved his NSW State title. Sam Parker’s AUS-3 consistency and Brett Morris’s AUS-8 ability to stay within striking awarded them the minor placing.
FE+: Barry Fawkes AUS-2111 proved that his son Sam is not the only champ in the family, with a great victory in the every growing development fleet.
Youth: Mitch Stephensen AUS-195 from QLD is the story of the event, winning the youths with a 6th in one race, only just behind the guns. He beat out Ben Morrell AUS-88 who is back in the game after a being side tracked with small distractions, like exams? I may be wrong, but Ben was spotted on a 10.7m sail in 20knots at one stage and was out training on his BIC Techno after racing. Impressive stuff.

Woman: Allison Shreeve AUS-911proved her class yet again by competing toe to toe in the open division, but must have been happy to have another world class female competitor in Jessica Crisp AUS-15 to compete against. This was Jessica’s first FW event, which she elected to compete in, even though she was in-between RSX events “Sail Sydney and Sail Melbourne” (that is 10days of racing in the last 13 days – OUCH).

Grand Masters: Rick Murray AUS-4, Wayne Bowness AUS-98 and Tibor Ferenczy AUS-1.

A huge thanks to Brian Lancy (Water RO), Glen Morral (Shore RO), T2 Tam Ting (Photos), John Hurley (Organisation), www.windsurfnsnow.com.au for their continuing support and all the volunteers who helped launch boats, do rescues etc.

With a relatively lengthy break until Heat 5, which is the warm up event for the Oceanic’s/Nationals at Hawks Nest (30Jan-06Feb2010)

Remember 1 week in beautiful, family friendly Hawks Nest will get you 2 amazing events plus a fantastic holiday.
Please pre-enter on www.fw-australia.com

Photos by Tam Hohnberg.
If anyone would like a larger copy of any of these photos, give Tam a shout on t_hohnber[at]yahoo.com.au

Got to the Photo Gallery here – Photos

The flight to Hong Kong was pretty uneventful, except some how we again got stuck next to a feral who didn’t seem to know how to use deodorant. Landing in Hong Kong, the transfer counter insisted we pay for the excess baggage. I’d done some homework on Air France and knew that they had a Windsurfing allowance, so we escaped from there with only a $250 excess baggage bill…

A long, long flight to Paris, and very little sleep, meant that the dash to the terminal “D” was a very rude awakening in Charles de Gaule. Landing at Tegel Berlin, unbelievably our bag was second off the carousel, and the quiver and boom bag came up the baggage lift 2 minutes later, got to hand it to the efficient German baggage system, a far cry from the lost equipment last year in Portugal.

James Briggs, who you may remember from visiting Sydney last Summer, was there to pick us up in his pimped out Volkswagen Sportline. Some transport re-shuffling was required as Sean had been waylaid picking up his new sails from Lake Garda, and wouldn’t reach Berlin until 2 am the next morning. A quick rendezvous and equipment exchange with Jesper, and we drove off to Pobierowo minus Lewis who was waiting for Sean in Berlin.

Arriving into Pobierowo we met up with Markus Bouman, and most of the Polish team, for Pizza. We then set about trying to find some accommodation for the night, after 3 hours of walking the streets it became pretty obvious we were not going to find any rooms for the night, so it was into the vans, on top of empty boom and board bags.

Pobierowo Challenger

Friday morning was registration, followed by racing in the afternoon. I was feeling pretty exhausted after the travel and I was soon to pay for the lack of rest before the event. A very light westerly was building so time to rig the 11.8…….the final bit of down haul caused a tear in my calf muscle, I could barely walk, but attempted to race anyway, fortunately the race was canned due to lack of wind. I really regretted losing my winch days before the trip, and the 2 days of travel, and de-hydration had taken it’s toll. My event was over before it had started. Thankfully we had found some accommodation in the next town.

Saturday dawned with a really swollen and bruised calf which meant I was hobbling around the beach, but my day was brightened when I met a couple of guys, Karolis from Lithunania and Maris from Latvia who had bought fins this year.

All of the Polish team and Steve Allen had entered, missing was the guys still in Fuerte for the PWA Slalom event and Jesper who was working in Berlin, still there was 60+ entrants.

Two lightwind races on Saturday had Wojtek leading followed by Steve Allen, and the Polish RSX sailor Pont. Markus and Sean sitting around the twenties. (did I mention that Sean was doing the “Full Rick” with new sails, board and fins?) That afternoon Sean’s board had been holed while on the beach which meant that he would sit out the next days racing rather then rushing the repair.

Over night Allison Shreeve arrived for the start of her European tour, and to rest a few days before the Allegro cup.

Sunday morning it was blowing 28 knots down at the beach. As Sean and I were both sitting out, we caught up on some work, and finally completed and launched our new website, check it out at www.vmgblades.com Sean has done a fantastic job on the website, and we have received many compliments on it.

Meanwhile down at the beach racing got underway around lunch time, and four races were completed, with many sailors unable to get through all of the races in the tough conditions. Steve ended up winning, Wojtek second, and Pavel Hlavaty third.

Equipment wise the interesting thing is that all of the Polish guys and Steve are using the new Neil Pryde RSR EVO 2. With the correct tuning you can make these sails very fast and stable. Steve Allen told me they are the most stable sails he has used, almost too easy. Luckily I took a mental note of his settings(I’m open to offers : D )

If you look at www.formulawindsurfing.org and www.aus120.com you’ll see an event report, as swell as photos from Tammy.

Allegro Cup, Leba

Monday morning Markus was kind enough to give Tammy and I a lift to Leba(webber), while James went straight to “Hell” for a couple of days. After picking up some “Plantecki”(tarp) for rigging on and marking our 20m x 12m territory on the beach, we got into Leba around 4 pm.

Tuesday we explored the event site, and caught up with a few friends such as Magne from Norway. I’ve got to say, everything you’ve heard about these Polish event is true. Windsurfing is BIG in Poland. Banners lined all of the streets with Steves face on it, the event site is massive, with stages, sponsor booths, cafe, media centre, and competitors rest area. Apparently Windsurfing is the second largest sport in Poland.

In the afternoon a 12 – 15 knot breeze came in, and against my brothers advice(about to graduate physiotherapy) I went for a sail. I was able to test my new fins, and was pretty happy with my speed against some of the other sailors. My leg was only a problem downwind on port, but by the end of the short session it was very swollen, and starting to turn blue.

Tammy’s efforts at Pobierowo has earned her a media pass in Leba so expect to see more of her great pictures on www.formulawindsurfing.org

Wednesday morning we awoke to the sad news that Graeme Morris had passed away after his battle with Cancer. Condolences to Brett, Ev, Grae and Scarlett. I know that all of our Windsurfing community will miss Graeme immensely.

The rest of Wednesday passed quite quickly with the gear shuffle down to the beach, registration, and then the opening ceremony. Live music and buffet dinner for all of the competitors. The opening ceremony also attracted many of the public to watch the festivities.

An light offshore wind was forecast for Thursday, and that’s exactly what we got. Very similar to our Westerlies ie extremely frustrating sailing. Over 100 men meant we were split into two seeding groups. The Women and my group(blue) were sent out first. The women got away, and just after the mens start the races were AP’ed which was a shame, as I was in a pretty good position. For the next 3 hours we were drifting around waiting for the wind to return, and just as they sent us back to the beach the wind came back.

Men’s Yellow fleet was sent out as we returned to the beach, and they had two good races. Meanwhile I was replacing the boom batten in my 11.8 which had broken during the first session. Just as I had finished Blue fleet was called to the water, which meant I’d missed lunch.

First gybe and the replacement batten had broken. A really tentative second row start, but I managed to make up a few spots on the first lap, somehow James is always my shadow on the race course, and we constantly traded tacks and gybes, but we were well down the fleet. The wind died on the second lap, and James and I were lucky to finish in the time limit.

The second race and again I held back for another second row start(I need to change this before it becomes a habit), so tacking off for the starboard lay line I made up a few places, but again James my “shadow” was right there. The wind died again on our second lap, with James finishing just in front of me, but I must have missed the time limit. I’m definitely finding it tough in this fleet, as not being 100% everything is just a bit harder. Sitting in 89th looks like I’ll be in Silver fleet.

Mean while Markus was having a good day sailing around in the top ten, and Sean not far behind. The day was dominated by the usual suspects Wojtek, Steve, as well as the rest of the top guys who had now arrived from Fuetre.

Friday’s forecast was for 20 – 25 knot westerlies. In the morning it looked as though it had blown out, and the first race was abandoned, but not long later it came back with a vengeance. A large steep swell had built up overnight from the storms blowing to the west of us, so I decided to live to fight another day, rather then risking further serious injury. I can say I wasn’t too envious of the guys racing, as conditions were really tough. So I played shore crew all day, swapping fins, carrying boards rig, and lending out my equipment. Surprisingly Jesper listened to some of my tuning advice which worked out pretty well for him : D The SAR guys were flat out all day performing multiple rescues every race, but some how poor James was missed with rig damage, and was left to swim ashore a couple of kilometres down the beach. Wojtek revelled in these conditions, but all of the minor placings were hard fought between the regulars with different winners every race in the opposite fleet. Sean finally hit some form and was finishing near the top ten most races.

Saturday’s forecast is not too good, and some possibility of racing on Sunday, so fingers crossed I’ll get some more races under my belt before the start of the Formula Europeans in Sopot next week.

Saturday and a surprise westerly wind 10 – 12 knots meant I would be able to race, and wouldn’t have to pump too much. So Gold fleet, followed by Women and then my fleet ,Silver. A pretty average start, and I was getting a bit of dirty air from the guys, in front, but somehow managed to hold my line while others in front tacked off. I rounded the top mark in the top five, and had cast off my shadow James. Downwind I lost a few of spots with an over lay, but on the second work, I gained some spots to get into sixth. Down wind I sailed a little deeper, out of the first gybe, and the last gybe into the mark I caught a wave and won the drag race to finish in FOURTH…..WOO HOO!!!!!!

The next race I again broke the boom batten for the third time, arrggghhh. The worst start you could imagine, multiple tacks getting across the line and falling in, I’d given the fleet a few minutes start. I caught up a few spots and didn’t finish last, but I wasn’t far from the end. Hero to zero in a very short space of time.

Sunday’s forecast was a little better, but we sat around all day waiting for wind. The AP was dropped to attempt a start, but was soon raised again. The event was over. Steve Allen in First Pavel Hlavaty in Second(he changed back to NP RSR) and Ross Williams in Third.

A huge closing ceremony with the “Stereo MC’s” and “Kosheen” the major acts, and then a Vodka supplied party all night, where all of the sailors let their hair down. It’s good to see that once the serious business is over, the whole fleet relaxes and celebrates together.

Formula Europeans – Sopot

The morning after – Monday, looked like there was a lot of sore heads about……

Around 2 pm we finally hit the road for Sopot. James was giving Tammy and I a lift. His GPS took us through some very narrow roads, and small country towns, finally getting to Sopot around 4 pm.

The windsurfing club in Sopot is very impressive. This is a Windsurfing club only, but would put many yacht clubs to shame with its range of facilities and infrastructure.

Registration, and then marking out our rigging territory, we’d found a great shaded spot for Markus, Sean, James and I.

Racing starts on Tuesday at 2 pm with a light wind forecast so that will suit me with my calf muscle improving every day, but still not anywhere near 100%

The only obstacle was to check in my equipment at the airport. Luckily thanks to Ian Fox, Remi Villa and Starboard, a brand new Starboard 162 loan board was arranged for me, so that’s one less thing I needed to take. After a little negotiation, I was able to check in my quiver bag for $120, I almost laughed, considering how much I had to pay to get to Europe last time. I did discover that on the day I was flying the baggage allowances had just changed, so it would pay to double check them before any of you try to fly with equipment in the future.

The flight was reasonably uneventful, except for a feral girl sitting next to me, who had the worse body odour you could imagine. Not being so subtle I put my jacket on, zipped it up, and then turned the vent on to full.

It was around midnight in Bangkok by the time I landed. Kai(Koo’s twin brother) picked me up in his van, and dropped me at the Surf Hotel in Jomtien beach. Special thanks to Kai, because this was the third 4 hour round trip he had done that day, after picking up Meng and then Soon earlier.

Thursday morning breakfast, and catching up with old friends, checking fins, and then lunch. The forecast wasn’t much good. Suddenly a light 10 – 12 knot breeze sprang up, so Soon very kindly drove me around to the Starboard beach house, where I hit the water with Remi Vila to do some equipment testing(sorry I won’t spill the beans). We only had about 30 min sailing before a late afternoon tropical thunderstorm came through.

Friday I’ve come back to the beach house for hopefully some more testing, we’re still waiting for wind, so I’ve spent the time setting up footstraps, and making sure my fins fit in the SB 162 I’ll be racing

Part II

The rest of Friday was spent swimming in the pool, eating lunch by the beach, looking at some special projects and a lot of discussion with Remi Vila about the state of Formula windsurfing, and in paticular the current state of the fin market, manufacturers, fin cost etc. 

Friday evening Soon, Meng and I headed into Pattaya town for dinner.  After dinner it was time to take in some of the local “sights”.  We wandered down the tourist bar strip “Walking street” which is closed off to traffic at night.  No surprises here, its a seedy street lined with Go Go bars.  I don’t think I need to go into too much detail. 

After Walking street, a quick visit to a night market.  I was in desperate need for some clean clothes.  I had packed very sparingly(actually Tam packed for me) in order to save on weight at check in.  930 Baht later(about $40 AUD) I had 2 polo shirts, 1 t-shirt, 1 button up shirt and 1 pair of shorts.  I’m not sure how long these will last, because the first time I put my hand in the pocket of the shorts, some stitching ripped…… 

Saturday, I haven’t adjusted to the timezone here, which is currently 4 hours behind Sydney.  So I dozed until 6:30 am, and then went down for breakfast.  Fried eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, tomato,  coffee, pineapple Juice, a whole fresh pineapple, and I was feeling rather stuffed, but confident I was fueled for the days racing……..and then Soon turned up, and told me the forecast was for light winds.  I now wish I could give back some of the 10 kilos of breakfast I just ate.

 Registration, and a couple of cool stickers to put on the sail, and now the wait for wind begins.

Part III

Most of Saturday it rained. A thunder storm with heavy came through for much of the day. We set up camp in “Surf Kitchen” which is just across the road from the event site. The hotel and Surf kitchen are both owned by the president of the association Mr Yai.

Later in the afternoon the rain eased and a light breeze started to come in with the occasional rain patch. I was bored so decided to rig my 11.8 and test my new K76 which I had finished just before flying over. I drifted out off shore with Koo, and about 100 m out we caught the first tease of wind. Soon Koo and I were both planing out to sea. Marginal wind for racing, but enough to satisfy the addiction, and get a feel for the new fin.(It felt great)

RSX and Techno were called out to the course as the wind filled in a little. We may have been able to get a formula race away, but crazily sailors have been allowed to register in both RSX and Formula, so we are not able to be on the course at the same time.

The wind kicked in another 5 knots, and I was beginning to think I might need to change down to the 73 cut. Finally Formula was called out to the course. As I was checking out the start line and marks of the course, the wind started to die again. Within minutes it had turned glassy, and getting back to the beach across a 5 knot current and upwind in the little wind there was proving impossible. Just as I was 30 m from the beach, I saw that there was a netted swimming area which stretched as far as I could see. Eventually the official boats picked me up, I think I was the last one to be rescued, and it was well and truly dark by now.

Dinner was arranged by Meng and his Chinese Tycoon friend(and bodyguard) who had arrived for the night. We drove out to a village for fresh seafood. I’m sure it was great but as some of you know, I don’t really appreciate seafood, nor the $300 bottle of cognac that went with dinner. Thanks to the Tycoon whose name escapes me for picking up the tab.

Sunday morning and the day looks more promising. Sunny and warm, with the light wind in generally the right direction. Camped in Surf Kitchen again, but feeling more positive we’ll get some racing today.

Part IV

Sunday we sat and waited, and waited, and waited…….

At 1:30 pm our flag was dropped which meant we had 30 min to get on the water. The normal rigging panic ensued, and with the mast in, and cambers popped on, I realised there was no point continuing, as there was perhaps 2 knots of wind. So we hung around the beach on standby for an hour.
Soon had decided he really liked my new K76 after trying it on Saturday, and asked “How much?”, I got that feeling of De Ja Vu. However that fin apart from feeling really good, is also fin number 100, so its a bit special to me.

Eventually the event was called, with no result for Formula, and only one race for RSX and Techno 293. So it was a quick pack up, and then across the road to watch the Malaysian F1 Grand Prix.

The presentation started around 6pm with a live performer, and dinner consisting of Fried Rice, really nice grilled Chicken wings, and fresh Pineapple. I went back for seconds even though Meng had told me Mr Tang(tycoon) was taking us out to dinner.

So Mr Tang took us to a Chinese restaurant in a 5 star hotel. We were in a private room, and no expense was spared. Some traditional Chinese dish’s were served, as well as another $300 bottle of Cognac. Over dinner we also discovered that Mr Tang comes from the same home town as my Fathers family. To me that was very surprising, as he was the first person that I had ever met that knew of this town, outside of Dads family. Mr Tang was on the China Olympic windsurfing team, but when he left the team it sounds like he made his fortune in Soy beans.

After dinner we went to the “Hollywood Club”. Some of the younger members of the Singapore and Thai teams joined us there. There was a mix of Live music and DJ’s. A lot of the music sounded very familiar, some of it instantly recognisable from the tune, but others I had to listen very closely, as you can imagine not many of the songs were in English. In this bar you’re able to bring in your own spirits, and you purchase your mixers there. It felt like we had virtually our own barman the whole night who would fill your glass as soon as you put it down.

I left at 2 am and said goodbyes to many of the sailors.

Monday morning breakfast at the usual Surf kitchen, and also a quick chat to Meng before we part ways. During breakfast another storm came through, but this time it brought 15 – 20 knots of wind………

See you all soon

Chris

Following the success of the “Root A Windsurfer Today” campaign there has been a chorus of demand for this sequel, the aim of which is to set the newly encumbered upon the direct route to parental success. It is assumed that you, gentle reader, have grasped all the concepts described in “Root A Windsurfer Today” (If not go to http://www.storm-riders.com.au/info/windsurfing-articles/) and are well down the road to, or have already accomplished, eligibility to pay Child Support in the event of matrimonial misadventure (or for those merely shacked up, Tart Trouble). Further, I shall assume you are a bloke ( a separate edition for tart sailors is at the planning stage) but if I am wrong, or if you are not certain, go no further. Read On –>

Dictionary

Here are some technical terms and their meanings, just in case you are simple, or Uncle Mike.

Tart; I don’t know if you are married, shacked up or casual acquaintances so this word covers all the little women/ new mums, whether or not the benefit of clergy was obtained. Don’t be worried about offending her by calling her a tart. Scientific research has shown all women love to be called a tart, the older & less tartish they are the more they love it. If your tart gets offended at being called a tart this is usually because she actually falls within the technical meaning of the term and is what most consider to be “hot stuff”ie, to be enjoyed while the going is good & then get going.

Gentle Chastisement (GC); this is usually a gentle slap accompanied by a stern word of warning, sometimes a belt or feather duster may be useful and on rare, but joyous occaisions, is best described as “BEAT THEM TILL THE RED BROTH RUNS”.

NN; Nick Nelson, referred to by his friends as “Godfather” . If few of you know him by that name, is it my fault he has few friends? NN is an international windsurfing and child rearing oracle. Why is this so? Because he has the best trained dogs in the world. These canines are so beaten down they are scared even to walk on the carpet, yet they worship NN & wag tails whenever he appears. NN is an inspiration to those following the Dog Manual technique. Just look at what he has achieved with Uncle Mike, a miracle given the material he had to work with.

JB; Junior Burger, kid, little bugger or whatever term of endearment you normally apply to the fruit of your loins.

In The Beginning

No, I don’t refer to the putting of the bun in the oven but to the removing of it, also known as Child Birth.

1. This is a moment you do not wish to share, use any excuse to be absent, but if you cannot escape I suggest;
2. Reject any suggestion of birth taking place outside a hospital. You may need urgent attention in the event of fainting, spewing or headache caused by strong lights.
3. Look only at your Wife’s face or out the window or at the nurses if they are cute. Any glance down south will be dangerous, possibly causing loss of breakfast or consciousness.
4. Do not permit a camera in the room, your Wife will not wish to see what she looked like at this time.
5. If forced to have a camera, aim at yourself or the cute nurses. Photographic evidence of the birth process can and will be used against you.
6. Remember when your Wife shouts out “EPIDURAL NOW” be strong, you can make it through without anaesthetic. Politely tell the quack “no thanks, its not natural”.
7. There is a thing called Paternity Leave. It is evil. Do not take it. If necessary, inform your boss of the case of Julie, Jilly, Tracy & ors v Murray 115CLR 236 where the High Court delivered a unanimous judgment to the effect that paternity cannot be proven until DNA tests carried out after the moment of birth so that by the time you get the test results to establish eligibility for Paternity Leave and apply for it you will no longer be eligible.
8. If forced to take Paternity Leave (your boss is a tart) you may be compelled to join in the classes they give to new Mums on stuff like, changing nappies & feeding. Avoid at all cost. You can work out all you need to know about breast feeding when you get home & the baby is safely tucked away in bed but the nappy changing could lead to you being requested to actually change one, possibly involving poo.
9. If wind forecast is especially good, disregard previous 2 points about Paternity Leave but do not inform your Wife.
10. If you are so hopeless you failed all the above (this means you Ant) and are compelled to change a nappy, do the honourable thing in the time honoured tradition, in the interests of the brat, yourself and posterity. That is of course, stick the brat with the safety needle each time until you are regarded as incompetent and dismissed from nappy duty.

11. Training the Newborn

12. The basic principle is to remember a small person is likely dumber than a puppy, or at least on a par. A puppy can walk, feed itself, poo without assistance and develops into an adult in a fraction of the time the new brat will require. So do the following;
13. Buy a puppy.
14. Buy a dog training manual.
15. Take the wife to dog training classes. The essence of dog training is to train the owner, the dog is the easy part, so see if the little woman can pick up the essentials of how to make a puppy do what you want. If she can train a dog, a brat will be easy.
16. Sell the dog, after the lessons it is no longer required and you already have a new brat competing for attention, a dog is too much competition and the money can be handy for new gear.

17. You should now be in possession of the tools for successful parenthood. Hopefully the Wife learned about dog training and you read the manual, it was not intended as a paperweight.
18. Theory

19. Kiddies like dogs want to feel safe, be loved and fed regularly. I will take it as given you can manage the last two. Feeling safe means knowing where they stand in the world, protected from the nasty stuff they instinctually fear. A bath is a structurally strong enclosure, ideal for keeping a tiny JB in & encouraging a secure atmosphere and you can forget about nappies & all that crap as a quick hose down is just a fawcett away.
20. JB will feel secure if it has a consistent framework to its life. It is not smart at first, it doesn’t understand the words you speak, though the tone may be significant. You must give it simple messages it can absorb, just like the pup. Positive messages work best so a reward is good if it does something you want, maybe a hug or a lump of sugar would do. Negative messages are needed where it does something bad, like crawling to your stereo & attempting to turn down the volume whilst spilling orange juice on its electric bits. A bit of GC is necessary to let it know it is bad and the word “NO” ought be shouted so it associates the word with the punishment. If the word is shouted whenever it is punished the kid will associate the word with the GC & you will rarely have to use any more GC, just the word “NO” will do the trick . Unfortunately, successful use of these techniques will mean very few oportunities to administer GC unless the kid is exceptionally thick.
21. Be consistent. Reward good behaviour, punish bad behaviour. If unsure how to deal with any particular situation, refer to Dog Manual. You won’t need to be told unless you are Uncle Mike but I will mention it for the slow witted, the Dog Manual may also be used on tarts. This is covered by the advanced course, enquiries to Tibor.
22. Remember that happy parents will make happy brats. So treat the happiness of you and your tart as essential to it’s well being. If you have been reduced to nervous, worn out wrecks by an horrible, demanding, uncontrollable little demon, how can you do a good job on the brat. It’s good behaviour is essential to your sanity. Your sanity is in its interests.

23. When to Teach JB Sail.

24. This is crucial of course. If you try to teach it too early it may be put off, there is always a chance the brat will be so useless it hates sailing, so;
25. Buy it a heap of gear before its first attempt. This will be small sails & boards as the kid is small, maybe 7 or 8, but happily, this is exactly what you need for high wind work. So spend up big at the start, just in case it doesn’t take to sailing, someone will have to use all that gear!
26. Remember that gear handling is the first lesson and it can take quite some years to get perfect. So let the brat carry your sails and boards at every opportunity. The Little Woman will thank you for this, one less job for her.
27. When JB finally gets on the water, praise his accomplishments and give positive reinforcement; he will very soon be better than you so you need him to think well enough of you that he gives you some tips.
28. Persuade your tart of the benefits of a sailing career for JB. Mention the fabulous wealth & fame of successful pro windsurfers. You may need to invent these names but it is important to do so as you will find they all live on Maui and she will see the sense of taking JB there every winter to improve his skills and do some networking.
29. Take the tart along on the first Maui trip. She is unlikely to ever want to go more than once if you introduce her to a few of these famous sailors, so it will be cheaper in the long run & you can reverse the guilt by accusing her of not wanting to go & support JB’s career.

30. Further Education

31. JB will no doubt be an ambitious little bugger. Encourage him to do his best in the schooling line & to get himself trained up to have the best career possible. Some points to remember;
32. You don’t really want JB to be a pro sailor or even in the windsurfing industry. No one in the history of the world has made money out of windsurfing, except Sam P & he is not giving away the secret any time soon.
33. It is not good for a brat to be smarter than his dad so don’t let him get any better qualified than you. If you are still reading your brain power is probably not in the world beating category and achieving this goal, even if JB is semi brain dead, may be a big ask so please refer to “Not too high” below.
34. At the same time the brat must be earning good money so that he buys his own gear, NEIL PRYDE SAILS of course, and does not need to borrow your gear. Full time work as soon as possible is the answer and if he wants to go to Uni, part time will have to do. The part time job can most usefully be at your friendly local windsurfing shop for obvious reasons.
35. At what point ought you kick JB out of Home so that you and the tart can enjoy some quality time free of the inhibitions that JBs tend to arouse in tarts. Obvious isn’t it; when he turns 18. Be considerate though, if he can’t afford a flat with a good garage, offer to store his gear for him.
36. Whenever you think you know how JB should live his life, you probably don’t. Let JB make his own mistakes & learn from them. His first mistake will be to believe you will let him use your gear. Make sure he learns from that.

37. Teen Years

38. You’ve dragged him through to puberty, how do you handle his first attempts at tart action?
39. Pretend you don’t know he has a tart. This can go on for years & avoids the unpleasantness of meeting her or her family.
40. If you have to meet her, be sure to leer at her in a pervy, sleazy sort of way & look down the front of her dress. I know you will do this without me telling you, I just threw it in so you will have someone to blame when your tart gives you hell.
41. JB brings Home a tart so gross you don’t know what to do. Simple, lock the garage if his gear is still in it & throw him out saying “Damn You To Hell JB, get out & don’t come back”.
42. JB announces he is gay. Just laugh & remember it is all part of a young man’s search for his real identity, it can’t actually be true.
43. JB announces he is taking up kiting. Refer to 42, or if necessary, 41.
44. JB goes overseas. Don’t panic, he must spread his wings & experience the panorama of life for himself. Make sure he leaves his gear at your house. Promise to sell it for him if you have to but you know hard that stuff is to move.

45. Not Too High

46. JB is looking a bit too smart for you to easily make him feel inferior? A problem for sure but there are ways and means to ensure JB grows into a well adjusted, useful, fully rigged member of the windsurfing fraternity without actually realising he is smarter than you. Why do I say “smarter than you”; you are still reading so figure the odds.
47. Give him a hammer when young. He will have hours of fun destroying stuff and develop a wish to be a chippie, plumber or electrician. All these trades guarantee he will leave school early, too soon to acquire much knowledge and even you will resemble einstein.
48. Let him play with the hammer around your old, clapped out boards, the damage he inflicts will entitle you to buy new ones from ECB WIND SURF’N SNOW, even your tart will agree.
49. Help him with his homework at every chance. Do I need to say more?
50. Start up an account book recording every cent he costs you and threaten repeatedly to bill him for the total when he graduates from school. An oldie but a goodie. You won’t win the court case but the threat will help him see the benefits of becoming independent without delay.
51. Give him the benefit of your vast experience. His head will be so full of crap he will have trouble tying shoelaces.
52. If all the above fails and JB looks like being a wizz at the academic stuff so that Uni is unavoidable, don’t panic, Uncle Bruce will set you straight. The answer is to refer to the oracle, adopt a zen like state of mind & channel the essence of NN. Obvious when you think on it. Encourage young JB in his rebellious desire to be a studious type, never let him know your true intent but, at the last minute, when the decision is to be made as to what he will do at Uni, sign him up for Engineering at Wollongong Uni. JB will think he is headed for glory, particularly as you mentioned the ready availability of lubricious young tarts dying for the chance to yield up their virtue (or what is left of it, it is Wollongong after all) to good looking young blokes who can give new meaning to the term “lay down gybe”. Once at the Gong, JB of course, like all his fellow students, will spend his time exploring the glories of beer, in all its brands, flavours & sizes. When not drinking beer he will play pool or chase tarts & emerge after 3 years of academic bliss as a fully qualified engineer with a nice looking degree & a head as empty as his stomach is full. You will still seem smart.

53. JB gets Married

54. Seriously, you can work this out for yourself. Do I have to tell you everything. I will say only one word; Elopement.

55. Grandchildren

56. Well, most of us are Masters or worse. If you have managed to breed, JB will eventually work out how to do it too. This is how to cope.

57. Under no circumstances allow JB to live within 3 suburbs of you. Take out restraining orders if necessary. The presence of a small grandchild within easy reach will turn your tart’s brain to jelly & condemn you to eternal child minding accompanied by endless tartish prattle about teething & cradle cap.

58. Give JB his own copy of this article & a dog training manual. You probably piked on the birds & bees but this time you have to be there for him.

59. If you failed with 57 there is only one answer. Yes, that’s it, the Grey Army. You like thousands of others will be forced to leave your home & wander aimlessly around the caravan parks of Australia. You won’t need me to point out how many of these are on the waterfront, think of Huskisson with stereo caravan parks on our favorite beach. The tart will by this time, no longer whinge when you go sailing, she’s had you up to her eyeballs & will welcome any chance to see you on the water, within reach of sharks.

60. Dealing with Divorce

61. This is unfortunately quite common, even for windsurfers (don’t ask me, who can understand a tart?) and emotionally disturbing. It must be dealt with in a sensitive, compassionate way. Should you be so unlucky as to end up wandering in the morass of family law, unsure where to look for help and feeling as low as low can go, give your tart my business card will you.

The End

That’s it, you can work out the rest for yourselves. Hopefully this small article will inspire more of you to embark upon the voyage of paternity and bring you safely into the harbour of a 4 car garage, full of the latest sailing gear, a quiver of VMG BLADES and a troop of happy JBs, anxious to devote their time and money to keeping you on the water forever. I won’t mention the names of those sailors who have so far fallen down on their reproductive obligations but you know who you are, you have no excuses left, get on with it, we need more sailors.

Uncle Bruce is sponsored by VMG BLADES, NEIL PRYDE SAILS and ECB Wind Surf’n Snow or at least he ought be after all the product placements I just inserted.

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