Root a WIndsurfer Today - Uncle Bruce

Having over the years attended more than a few meetings at which the future of Windsurfing was discussed i have distilled a few snippets of wisdom which I am prepared to share with your readers.

1. Never go to meetings at which the future of Windsurfing may be discussed. They drag on endlessly & nothing is ever achieved. Witness the success of the Brett Morris era in which our chrome domed leader just got up & did it without much in the way of pointless meetings. We should rename him Nike Morris & vote him a round of drinks for meeting avoidance over the years.

2. Many of the younger generation of sailors (defined as anyone younger than me) came into the sport as the result of older family members who dragged the brats along when they were young. I believe even you, Uncle Mike, had a father who once, long ago, was reputed to know a windsurfer from an ironing board. The parental influence is our strongest asset in future recruitment.

3. If this trend were continued for another generation we would be looking good. Why waste time looking for new members amongst the great unwashed when we can grow our own.

4 To continue the trend the younger sailors are going to have to get a bit more active in the reproductive line as quite frankly, there don't seem to be a lot of weddings & christenings amongst our ranks. To be fair, there are a few oldies who have been dragging the chain as well and I mean that in the nicest possible way Ricardo.

5 Having run a few ideas up the marketing flagpole with a marketing guru (thanks Tim) i have decided the answer is a campaign designed to satisfy the requirements of our sport in an attractive package with optimum appeal to the desired demographic target area in a way which will maximise the positive response rate at reasonable expense.

6. In short, I propose a national campaign on TV radio & print media headed with attractive eye catching titles such as;

"Root a Windsurfer Today" &

"Windsurfing, Roots and All" &

"Zoom Zoom Bang" &

"A Sailor a Day Keeps the Obstetrician in Pay" &

"Windsurfers, Pure Breeding Pleasure"

7. A national figurehead will be required, someone with the looks, personality & charm to make those of the female persuasion associate windsurfing with sex, in a pregnant sort of way.

8. I was hoping for some input as to who the figurehead might be. I immediately thought of Nathan C as having the necessary experience and definitely the inclination to take our sport to a generation of future mums but on second thoughts an actor would best be employed to play Nathan (unless he has dropped a few kilos over winter & learned to keep his shirt on). A professional actor might best portray the "essence of nathan". Obviously we couldn't afford Russell Crowe, maybe a low rent porn star could carry it off.

9. The ads must convey the idea that breeding with a windsurfer is desirable, so they would make no mention of helping carry the gear, friends sleeping over after beer soaked evenings when the regatta comes to your town, spending the dough for the new lounge suit on an RS4, Uncle Mikes shirts, Ricardos shirts, Nathans lack of shirt, child support or forwarding addresses. Clearly, including a picture of a smiling ankle biter of the new born variety would send the right message loud and clear.

10. The campaign must be careful to maintain political correctness, I reckon I can look after that. First cab off the rank would be a better balance between the sexes so naturally one of our female sailors will have to get a bit of gear off, in a strictly tasteful, seductive sort of way. Volunteers to make the supreme sacrifice will be greatly appreciated.

11. A careful balance is needed to attract the women (and men wherever applicable) as potential mates and breeders of our new generation of sailors without actually making them want to sail themselves as we all hate sharing our gear or rigging up for significant others.

12. Advertising can take us only so far. At the end of the day the ads will engender contacts with members of the opposite sex and each of us not already committed in the matrimonial line must be prepared to do his or her bit. Some behavioural adjustments may be essential. Certain words beginning with "f" must be used less frequently in the presence of tarts. Some of us could learn that wind is something we sail in and it doesn't always have to engender a loud belch or worse. Always express a love of cappucino, soppy movies, home decoration and gardening no matter what the truth is and most importantly, when in doubt what to say, just listen, they all love to talk & most of you blokes can only sound smarter and sexier if you keep the mouth closed at all opportunities: let Sam Fawkes be your guide in this, he knows how to win the ladies over and it aint by chattering too much, believe me.

I hope you find this a useful contribution to our sport and will welcome all suggestions.

Uncle Bruce